AWholeCroissant

I don’t think I’ve ever thought about what my least favorite movie is. There are movies that I think are the worst, just bad on every possible level, but I never granted one such a title. Not that they need overlap; favorite movies tend not to overlap what is thought to be the best movie ‘objectively’. I didn’t have a Least Favorite Movie before, but I do now. It is the 2019 live-action remake of Aladdin.

I think this pair of images summarizes the conceptual failure with this endeavor, as is with most of the Disney live-action remakes of their classic animated films. Constraining yourself to realism really limits the fantastical playspace. No longer can you have this large evocative moon. It is sapped of its shining, shimmering splendor and you have to have this dainty little spot in the sky. Like your phone camera betraying your eyes when you try to take a picture of a moon that looks exceptionally big. The choice at its core sucks out the fun and joy and imagination from the original. This should not exist. I do not grant Aladdin (2019) the title of art. It is the opposite of art; it is the destruction of art.

And it is sloppy, lazy and uncreative. I have a thorough list of 69 [nice] grievances – things the remake changed and made worse, the things the remake added and made it worse, things the remake omitted making it worse. Both nitpicks and substantial issues. I will limit myself, for the sake of readability, to five for now.

5. Parrot! You’re coming with me!

At the end of the film, when Jaffar is geniefied and defeated he says those words, yanking his fleeing parrot with him into his itty-bitty living space. It is then when I realized that throughout the entire (now two hour) movie, Jaffar has not spoken to his parrot once. Thusly, has there been no time to mention his name. For first time viewers, it would indeed be confusing to hear him mention the name Iago literally in his last moments.

And this makes me sad. Why does Jaffar want to yoink his parrot with him? They have no real relationship – Jaffar didn’t even bother to name his parrot. Why even have him say “parrot”, the word could have just been omitted. It was as if they were specifically pointing out that they had un-named Iago. A taunting reminder of a character they de-anthropomorphized and blandified into a background decoration. Why even give Jaffar a parrot in the movie, beyond the superficial checking off of boxes of things that were in the original?

4. Gotta eat to live, gotta steal to eat.

The “One Jump Ahead” musical number is, like all the songs in the original Aladdin, wonderful. Not just the song itself, but the visuals to go along with it..It is frenetic, slapstick fun as Aladdin tries to evade the city guard after stealing a loaf of bread. It is not easy, he is constantly on the verge of being captured, hordes of swords chase him. But he has to do what he has to. As he sings in the song: “Gotta eat to live, gotta steal to eat.”. At the end of the song his hard work pays off, but just as he is about to bite into his well-fought prize, he notices two scavenging children. A small sigh as he knows what he should do. He gives the children his food without taking a single bite. Despite being a street rat, he is a diamond in the rough.

2019’s Aladdin has him steal a necklace off a fellow city thief (since I suppose it would be p r o b l e m a t i c for Aladdin to be a thief-thief) and calmly delivers the stolen goods to a pawn broker. He walks away casually with a bag of dates. There was no struggle in obtaining the food, it just seems like another Monday morning transaction. When he does give it a child he sees – though still showcasing his generosity – it is not as impactful. What is easily obtained is also easily given up.

The remake has the gall to have “One Jump Ahead” later, this time Aladdin is escaping the guards for more convoluted reasons, but importantly, he does not have any stolen possessions or food. He still sings “Gotta eat to live, gotta steal to eat.” As if that had anything to do with what is going on. He even grabs a piece of bre… I’ll stop here because I could go on and on about this musical number’s failures.

Onto more important issues!

3. He’s got seventy-five golden camels.

Those camels are pathetic. Just look at them. Am I supposed to be impressed? Jasmine’s handmaiden sure is, as there is a shot of her rubbing her fingers together right after. Doesn’t she live in a palace? Are her standards really that low?

This movie had a budget of $183 million and this is the best they could do? Couldn’t spare a bit more resources to make these golden camels – and I must emphasis this point – that were conjured up by genie magic. Have them be ludicrously grandious. Why not have this be one part where they directly copy the original?

Now those are some golden camels!

2 . Do you trust me?

This is one the sloppiest moments in the film. Something so simple, yet they just went and messed it up. It’s utter carelessness. That would be the best word to describe it. The people behind the film just don’t care. They didn’t have a single solitary thought about why the previous film did what it did.

In Aladdin’s and Jasmine’s first encounter. When confronted by guards, Aladdin asks simply, “Do you trust me?” and reaches out his hand which she tentatively takes. A moment that sticks with her. And sticks with the audience. This is later mirrored in the film when Aladdin as Prince Ali invites Jasmine on a magic carpet ride. With outstretched hand, he once again asks her: “Do you trust me?” There is a moment of confusion for Jasmine, a jolt of deja vu, as she realizes who Prince Ali actually is. Simple storytelling in this story for children. 

Let’s now see how the new version executes this simple idea. The latter beats are fine. “Do you trust me?” Jasmine is confused and they even upped the ante. Instead of just asking “What?” she asks “What did you say?”, putting an emphasis on his specific phrasing. She takes his hand with an incredulous look. Different shot composition which is fine. Not bad, not bad. Different shot composition, but that’s not an issue inandofitself. Now let’s just see that set up.

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He just says. “Okay, trust me.” They actively changed the line. Why? Because the people behind this movie have no respect for their audience. It is a sloppy mess only existing as an investment. Like in, “Elf” when the publishing house sends a children’s book to print that is missing the last few pages, “You think some kid is going to notice two pages? All they do is look at pictures.” Or better yet summed up by the voice-actor from the English dub of “Girlchan in Paradise” when he demanded that his deceased character be rewritten into the already-animated show: “Just do it as cheaply as possible, these stupid kids cannot tell the difference.”

1. When it comes to exotic-type mammals.

Just look at it for a moment. Just take it in. Contemplate the ramifications of this image.

This didn’t happen by accident. It couldn’t have. It was a conscious choice that was made. By the director, by the editor, by the special effects team. All conspiring together to create this moment.

Ostriches are not mammals.

They had the line “exotic-type mammals” and chose to CGI in a flock of ostriches. The rest of the lyrics do mention other animals, like peacocks, bears, lions etc. No ostrich shout-outs. There weren’t any in the original. They went out of their way to do this.

I just don’t know what to say. It’s disgusting. It’s disgraceful. It’s embarrassing. And I’m ticked off.

I award this movie no points. And may God show no mercy on its soulless form.